Domestic violence isn’t the kind of topic you broach with friends over casual Sunday brunch, but when a star athlete or pop star makes headlines for assaulting their significant other — then we have to talk about it, right?
At this point, it seems important to have a productive discussion about domestic violence, because, just like your mom, grandma, nagging aunt and your high school sex ed teacher hopefully preached to you: Education is one of the best forms of prevention.
When the full video of NFL player Ray Rice’s assault on his wife (then fiancée) leaked this month, questions like these followed:
Why would he hit the woman he loves? Why would she stay with him?
Had the league tried to brush this off with a slap-on-the-wrist suspension?
Should Rice have been more severely punished by the criminal justice system?
These questions have drummed up endless debate, but while speaking with experts Brian Pinero (Director of Digital Services for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and Love is Respect) and Gloria Terry (CEO of the Texas Council on Family Violence) on the subject, I certainly got some more insight.
What are the root causes of domestic violence?
First, this is often a learned behavior. According to Pinero, statistics show that if you witnessed or experienced abuse during childhood, you’re already more likely to perpetrate abuse in your own relationships. This doesn’t mean that all people who experience abuse will, in turn, be abusive — “there are still aspects of this that are choice,” he points out — but it’s a debilitating starting point.
Gloria Terry emphasized that this kind of exposure can severely impact a child’s psyche and even normalize the idea of violence in the home. “When you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, you think that’s your normal,” she told MTV News.
Terry also explained that “many domestic violence cases are heavily rooted in issues of power and control,” and this has nothing to do with what you saw as a child. When one individual forcefully takes away the right to negotiate, they destroy one of the most important tools in a healthy relationship and open the door for abuse. Above all, communication is key.
While working with younger couples, Pinero noticed that many of them have trouble dealing with jealousy in a productive way. It’s a miserable feeling that we’ve all dealt with at some point — no one wants to say “I’m feeling insecure” out loud — but being able to communicate with your partner, without letting anger take over, is very important.
That issue emerged when MTV News’ Sway Calloway sat down recently with Chris Brown, who reflected on his own treatment after his assault on then-girlfriend Rihanna landed him in the legal system.
“With me, I deal with a lot of anger issues from my past — not knowing how to express myself verbally and at the same time not knowing how to cope with my emotions and deal with them and understand what they are,” Chris admitted, before adding that he still speaks to a therapist twice a week.
Pinero told MTV News, “A lot of it is not being able to verbalize and not knowing how to negotiate. If you can’t negotiate in your relationship — and that goes for the perpetrator and the victim — there’s something wrong with your relationship and there might be something wrong with your communication style.”
If you’re a perpetrator and have identified the problem, what steps should you take next?
Awareness is the first step, and then it’s time to take action. Depending on the severity of the situation, Pinero recommends several options, from small steps to big commitments to change.
Are your arguments getting too heated? Then practice walking away to cool down, before continuing to talk. Noticing some controlling behaviors? Write them down and speak with a trusted peer or family member about it. But if you’re already displaying abusive behavior, Pinero strongly recommends that you seek professional help. If that abusive behavior is taken to the extreme, then it’s necessary for law enforcement to step in before counseling becomes an option.
If you or someone you know is experiencing relationship abuse, please head to Love Is Respect.
Terry reinforced that terroristic threats (for example, violent threats on your life) “should be taken very seriously and should be addressed through the justice system” but absent of that, peer accountability groups — called B.I.P.s (Batterer Intervention Programs) — have had success.
“Chris Brown went to something similar to a B.I.P. program,” Terry said, “and it helps you to identify the mechanisms that create that kind of behavior and [teach] healthy options to reduce this need to have power and control over a partner.”
Brown also shared some advice for Ray Rice during his MTV News sit-down, explaining that seeing his therapist has helped him to deal with anger issues and provided him with an outlet to release those feelings, instead of bottling them up “and becoming a monster.”
How often do perpetrators seek out help on their own?
The experts we spoke to repeated the word “accountability” over and over again. Depending on the severity of the situation, law enforcement needs to step in, and in cases like Ray Rice, Pinero says it’s baffling that the NFL didn’t take a stronger stance on this issue when they first hard the chance. That said, do batterers often seek out help on their own?
Terry told us that many of the men in B.I.P. programs were sent there after being arrested or being mandated to attend, but there are a few who voluntarily check themselves in.
And then Pinero shared some pretty encouraging news. He explained that since the organization Love is Respect implemented an online chat option, there have been many more instances of the perpetrator reaching out for information, on what they see as a developing problem in their relationship.
He said that younger men will even reach out and explain that they noticed an abusive character on a TV show and realized they were exhibiting similar behaviors and want to seek help.
“People are more willing to talk about it through chat because you don’t have to worry about saying it out loud, or outing yourself and you can hang up whenever you want,” Pinero explained. “That anonymity of being able to throw it over a digital wall is giving them a chance to engage in information and follow up.”
Why do victims stay? And what does it take for them to finally leave?
Ray Rice and his family faced very public scrutiny when the full assault video leaked but clearly his fiancée, Janay, whom he later married, decided to stick around. In the days following the video leak, victims used social media to share personal stories about remaining in an abusive relationship, or leaving, using the hashtags #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft, and our experts had some insight on that as well.
Pinero revealed that most couples who seek help for domestic violence issues don’t want to break up.
“Most people that contact us want to work it out because even in the most abusive relationships, people still have love,” he said, adding that a lot of stories about “Why I Stayed” often involve factors like children, religion, family expectations and more, while stories about “Why I Left,” tend to be out of an absolute fear for physical safety.
Pinero told me that his team often suggests that couples spend some time apart if they truly want to heal. “If you’re the abusive person, you’re probably going to have to get out of that relationship to focus on you. It’s a lot of work to work on ourselves — so it’s hard to be there for someone else and take on the responsibility of a relationship when you’re trying to improve yourself.”
Related: Domestic Violence Hotline’s Calls Increase 84% Since Rice Video
Do people really change? When is it time to forgive?
We’ve seen celebrities like Chris Brown and Ray Rice fall from grace over their infractions, but at what point if any, as a society, do we need to forgive them? Should we believe that people can actually change?
Our experts say it’s imperative that we learn to forgive and, yes, people are capable of changing.
“If we don’t believe that abusive partners can change, then we’re just creating more victims,” Pinero said. “It’s important to support people. Whether they chose to, or have been put into a program to change, we want to support people because they have to change if we’re going to move to a place of zero domestic violence in our society.”
“There is a place for forgiveness,” he added. “It’s important, as a society, to make sure that when people make an effort to change, we support them on that path.”
Before you start yelling obscenities at the computer screen, remember that our experts believe it’s important to be held accountable for abusive actions. Whether it’s punishment by law enforcement, or committing to therapy and peer counseling, it’s important to first receive help first, and then it’s time to have the conversation about forgiveness.
“We certainly want people to be held accountable for bad behavior, but that also needs to be tempered with some level of balance,” Terry said. “Whether it’s a public figure like Chris Brown or Ray Rice, or someone from down the street, we want their behavior to change but we also don’t want them to be dismissed.
“As a society we’ve got to hold them responsible but at the same time, we need to recognize that once they get help and try to change that behavior,” she continued, “we need to embrace them in our society again.”
For more information and vital facts about gender-based violence, including dating violence, head over to Look Different.
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